REVIEW: CLOVERFIELD

Review: Cloverfield (2008)

Starring a bunch of nobodies.

Produced by J.J. “LOST” Abrams

“Written” by Drew Goddard

Directed by Matt Reeves

Ugh. Just thinking about how shitty this movie is exhausts me. This is THE BIGGEST PIECE OF CRAP I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. There. I said it. Now go ahead and tell me off. Tell me how you thought this was so innovative and “outside the box.” Yeah? Fuck you. You’re seriously retarded if you like this movie.

There’s this monster destroying New York City and this douchebag Rob (Michael Stahl-David) is running through the city like a moron to make sure this broad he’s in love with, Lily (Jessica Lucas), is ok. Who cares.

My friends and I could’ve made a better movie than this piece of shit. The acting was ridiculously awful. With all that money J.J. Abrams has, he could’ve spent a little more to get a decent cast. I love how they actually say there was a writer for this movie, because it’s CLEARLY ad-libbed the entire time. If I wanted to watch an hour+ of someone screaming “OH MY GOD!” I would’ve just went to a family function. At least those are free.

Michael Bonvillain should be sent to hell for being the DP of this movie. He definitely is my villain (yeah, I did a cheesy pun) because he was sent on this Earth merely to piss me the fuck off. There’s this thing called a hand…and you put it inside the strap of the camera to HOLD IT STILL. And yes, this is where you go “EHHHHH SUSPENSE!” I’m sorry, you can make a suspensful movie without inducing motion-sickness on it’s viewers. I practically had to take a fucking Dramamine just to make it all the way through.

The ONLY good thing about this movie was seeing a girl blow up.

And the end credits. My favorite part.

~ by alifeinthemovies on July 11, 2008.