REVIEW: 976-EVIL

Title: 976-EVIL (1988)

Starring Stephen Geoffreys, Patrick O’Bryan, Jim Metzler and Robert Picardo

Produced by Cinetel Films, Horrorscope Productions

Written by Brian Helgeland and Rhet Topham

Directed by Robert Englund

My boyfriend and I got really, really bored last night and weren’t in the mood to spend money or watch anything serious. Lucky for me I discovered FEARnet had a free movie option in the Cutting Edge On Demand channel and I immediately wanted to watch this one. I’ve heard how schlocky this was for years and wanted to see for myself. Needless to say…schlocky is being nice.

Hoax (Stephen Geoffreys) is a nerd who’s sick of people picking on him. His rough and tough cousin, Spike (Patrick O’Bryan), rules school and rebels all things authoritarian. To be more like him, Hoax stalks the shit out of Spike and comes across a flyer in his room for a hotline, 976-EVIL, that tells you your “horrorscope.” Hoax gets wrapped up in the hotline and decides to obey its every command, eventually possessing him and turning him into evil itself.

As I was watching this, I kept saying, “I swear to God that’s the kid from Night of the Creeps!” But after a few looks at the movie’s IMDB page, I was convinced it wasn’t. However, later in the movie, he laughed and I knew immediately where I knew him from: Fright Night. He was great in that movie and he’s great in this. It was nice seeing that he actually did get a lead role in a horror film, directed by Robert Englund at that. He was creepy, for sure, but the movie was cheesy as shit, like most 1980s horror films.

Mr. Englund isn’t a horrible director. I wish he would do more, actually, but I suppose that would be hard when you have cameos in literally every horror movie made. Sure, the movie in itself sucked but he didn’t write it. He had some great shots and managed to manipulate the actors pretty well. There were a few creative ways of death in the film…the fucking spider scene made me want to vomit and shower at the same time.

All in all…it sort of sucks. Unless you’re drunk and/or high and having nothing to do…avoid this one. If you love Robert Englund, chances are you’ve seen this, but you should definitely see it if not. You’ll admire him for more than just being Freddy Kruger.

REVIEW: 1408

Title: 1408 (2007)

Starring John Cusack, Samuel L. Jackson, Mary McCormack and Tony Shalhoub

Produced by Dimension Films

Written by Stephen King (short story), Matt Greenberg, Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski (screenplay)

Directed by Mikael Hafstrom

I’ve been meaning to see this film for a while now and since I got bored with having my other Netflix picks here, I turned them in and got this one. I’m a huge Cusack fan, so I knew I would at least be entertained and I was…sort of.

Mike Enslin (John Cusack) write about haunted establishments…cemeteries, hotels, you name it. After a rather disappointing visit to a bed and breakfast and a brush with death via surfing, he gets a mysterious postcard from the Dolphin Hotel in NYC saying “Do Not Stay in Room 1408.” Like any human being, he gets curious and sets it up. When he arrives, the hotel’s manager (Samuel L. Jackson) warns him repeatedly not to stay there because no one survives an hour in the room. He thinks it’s a crock of shit and stays in the room…and goes crazy. And yes, there’s a typical Stephen King ending.

So, I didn’t really like this movie…but I didn’t totally hate it either. I just believe this is one of King’s adaptations that was better off as a story than on-screen. I actually really liked the writing. I thought the different temperatures and experiences in the room were a creative way of showing the 5 stages of grief. I thought it was great seeing how someone can react to their own fears and manfest them into so large it takes them over entirely…but in the end I sort of felt like I was watching a really long Creepshow sketch. Had I actually read the short story, I would no doubt be terrified of it. It just didn’t work on-screen that well.

However,  I will say it was awesome to see Cusack being batshit crazy. I love him when he’s in roles like that and he does them so infrequently that when I do see him in that situation, I totally eat it up. 1408 was no exception. He went balls-out crazy for this film. He was drooling, crying, screaming, pulling out hair, hitting himself…it really looked like he was losing his mind. It was pretty great in a sadistic way.

Other than that though, the movie was a pretty typical horror flick. Not tons of gore but more psychological, but still not fantastic. Watch it if you’re bored or love Cusack.

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REVIEW: THE BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMAGE

Title: The Bird with the Crystal Plumage (1970)

Starring Tony Musante, Suzy Kendall, Enrico Maria Salerno, Eva Renzi and Umberto Raho

Produced by Central Cinema Company Film

Written by Fredric Brown (novel) and Dario Argento (film)

Directed by Dario Argento

Argento LOOOOOOOVES Hitchcock and it shows. This is absolutely not a bad thing at all, especially since his 100% homage to Hitchcock, Do You Like Hitchcock?, was pretty underwhelming. Well, The Bird with the Crystal Plumage definitely made up for what Do You Like Hitchcock? lacked.

Sam, an American writer currently living in Rome, is walking home one night when he sees a woman and a mysterious man in a righteous stabfest. He runs to help the woman but instead gets trapped behind a glass door, rendering him helpless. Luckily, the police make it in time and the woman’s life is spared, but odd things keep happening to Sam. He becomes obsessed with the case, literally putting his own life in danger several times, and eventually finds out who’s responsible…until said person dies and the murders keep happening. Hitchcock homage at its finest!

What can I say? Argento has my heart. He’s such a great filmmaker and writer. I realize this review’s going to be a short one, but once again I’m not disappointed. This is eons better than Do You Like Hitchcock?, which I thought was the worse thing he’s ever made…and even then it was still tolerable.

This movie reminded me a lot of another movie Argento did, Tenebre, which doesn’t get nearly as much press as it should. It’s beautifully shot but doesn’t focus on the huge color contrasts that Suspiria is known for and it follows a more noir style film.

I dig it, so you should too. The end.

REVIEW: THE TRACEY FRAGMENTS

Title: The Tracey Fragments (2007)

Starring Ellen Page, Maxwell McCabe-Lokos, Ari Cohen, Erin McMurtry, Zie Souwand and Slim Twig

Produced by Shadow Shows, Corvid Pictures and Alcina Pictures

Written by Maureen Medved

Directed by Bruce McDonald

Wow. This is pretty much one of the most depressing movies ever made. Imagine taking the most traumatic events one could ever face and cram them into two days. Now, on top of THAT mess…try handling that at age 15. Combine them all and you have the life of Miss Tracey Berkowitz.

Tracey (played by the amazing Ellen Page) isn’t your typical 15-year-old. On top of suffering from typical teenage blues (i.e. having no boobs and being annoyed by life), she has it pretty rough. Her dad (Ari Cohen) is a rage/alcoholic, her mom (Erin McMurtry) is a walking chimney/verbal abuser. The only person who really gets her is her younger brother, Sonny (Zie Souwand), who she hypnotized into a dog (I swear, I couldn’t make that up if I tried…). School sucks, of course, but it starts to get a bit better when a new boy, Billy Zero (Slim Twig…yes, that’s his real name), comes to town. One day while out with Sonny, heart-throb Zero comes to see her. After banging in the car, Tracey notices her brother is missing. She goes home after hours of panicking/searching and tells her parents, who ground her. Her only solution? To run away from home and look for her brother. Along the way she meets Lance from Toronto (Maxwell McCabe-Lokos) and discovers that life can be really, really fucked up regardless of how young you are.

Before watching this (and you WILL watch it), be prepared for the insane amount of little screens all over the place. The idea for this comes from a little beginning speech she makes, referring to “fragments” of herself, hence the film is shown in little tiny, multiple screens. Yes, it’s exhausting and even a bit pretentious, but you get used to it after a while. Personally, I thought the technique was genius. You RARELY see people taking risks like that anymore, so I applaud not only Director Bruce McDonald, but also Editors Jeremy Munce and Gareth C. Scales. It’s insane and I love it. It’s artistic cinema at its best.

As usual, Ellen Page is terrific. Tracey is almost like Juno and Hayley (her character from Hard Candy) had a love child. She’s morbid but has that sense of sarcasm that makes you almost instantly fall in love with her. The movie is almost entirely her on screen, but the other performances were great as well, particularly Ari Cohen’s. The parents in this film reminded me of the parents in one of David Lynch’s short films, The Grandmother. They were unnerving.

The writing is absolutely fantastic. Originally based off the novel written by Maureen Medved (who also wrote the screenplay), The Tracey Fragments is one of the darkest coming-of-age pieces of work I’ve ever witnessed. It actually reminded me a lot of the novel-to-film Mysterious Skin (which is also incredible). The Tracey Fragments uses a lot of stream of consciousness, the character is literally just rambling off whatever is on her mind…going from fantasies of her new boy to a rock ‘n’ roll career to her lost brother. The way it’s set up builds a lot of suspense and leaves your jaw dropped in the end. While I was watching it, I kept thinking how ridiculous some of the stuff was, but in the end the combination of the events made this movie hard to shake off.

If you want to see a coming-of-age film that’s unlike the rest, or are a huge movie geek like me, definitely see this. However, if you have any form of epilepsy, stay away! Oh, and for all you hipsters, Broken Social Scene does all the music for the film…

REVIEW: THE DARK KNIGHT

Title: The Dark Knight (2008)

Starring Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Aaron Eckhart, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Gary Oldman, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman and Cillian Murphy

Produced by Warner Bros. Pictures, Legendary Pictures, DC Comics and Syncopy

Written by Christopher and Jonathan Nolan and David S. Goyer

Directed by Christopher Nolan

After almost a month of boycotting this film, I finally saw it yesterday…only because the company I work for (SPILL.COM) paid for me to see it. I have nothing against Nolan or the stars of the film, I simply avoided seeing it because of the hype that surrounded it. I’m punkrock at heart so it’s in my blood to defy The Man. Well, it turns out The Man (in the form of The Dark Knight) wasn’t too bad after all.

Bruce Wayne/Batman (Christian Bale) is as usual saving Gotham from evil…until The Joker (Heath Ledger) steps in. He destroys everything in site and tests Bruce’s detecting abilities, often times giving him misleading information. District Attorney Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart) is the good guy who teams up with Batman to stop the made-up psychopath but in the end succums to The Joker’s tricks, as Two Face, respectively. Will Batman fall into the clutches of The Joker as well or will he remain a hero? Well…I’m sure you all already know the answer.

This is truly a great detective movie. It’s nice to see something that’s so defined in the comic series used in the film adaptations…and in a good way. Instead of following the rules, Batman is tested and goes against the grain and in the end gets what he wanted. The story flows nicely, gives us nice details, but in the end I think there was just WAY too much crammed into one movie. I understand it would’ve been hard to split this into two movies, but they totally should have. I looked at my cellphone to see what time it was because it felt like so much had happened and they hadn’t even introduced Harvey Dent as Two Face yet.

Christian Bale, as usual, was incredible. In fact, ALL the performances were stellar. Aaron Eckhart did a fantastic job playing the good guy than transforming into a revenge-seeking madman. I could only imagine how hard that was to do. Maggie Gyllenhaal was excellent as Rachel Dawes and captured that slightly annoying mannerism Katie Holmes put into the character, but Gyllenhaal really did it better.

And this is where I jump on the bandwagon to talk about how un-fucking-believeable Heath Ledger was. I truly believe had this movie come out during last season’s Oscars, Daniel Day Lewis would have had some serious stiff competition. No matter what movie I watch (and believe me, it’s been a few hundred thousand) I always see at least a hint of the actor in the character, regardless of how great the part was played. However, when I saw this, there was NO sign of Ledger at all. The hunky-baritoned-voice-heartthrob was gone. The mediocre actor was gone. Heath Ledger WAS The Joker. There’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that this role is what killed him. He devoured himself into that role unlike anything I’ve ever seen. It’s a damn shame he’s gone.

With that being said, I’m sick of people thinking he should get an Oscar nod just because he’s dead. He should get one for displaying one of the best acting performances ever.

The writing was really fantastic in this film. For whatever reason, Batman Begins is sort of forgettable to me. I know, that’s sort of sacreligious, but it’s true. However, the writing for this was unbelieveable. It was dark and humorous at the same time…often times making me feel so fucking uncomfortable I couldn’t help but nervously laugh.

Christopher Nolan is just a great director. His abilities get more impressive as time goes on, for sure. Since I saw this on IMAX, there were shots expanding the city that were so vast I really felt like I was flying…as cheesy as that sounds.

The person who deserves the most credit, however, is Director of Photography Wally Pfister. You are TRULY the fucking man. This film looked B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L. Those angles? That lighting? WOOOOO! Film nerd’s dream come true.

All in all, it’s a great movie. The actors were amazing, the new gadgets were rad and it looked gorgeous. I definitely think it’s overhyped a bit and it’s not the greatest thing I’ve ever seen…but it was pretty impressive. Bravo.

REVIEW: LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE

Title: Lost Boys: The Tribe (2008)

Starring Tad Hilgenbrink, Autumn Reeser, Angus Sutherland, Corey Feldman and cameos by Corey Haim and Tom Savini

Produced by Warner Bros. Pictures, Thunder Road Productions, LB2 Films and Hollywood Media Bridge

Written by Hans Rodionoff

Directed by P.J. Pesce

Horror fans wait no longer! Lost Boys: The Tribe is FINALLY on DVD…and it’s actually good. After 20 (or so) years, The Lost Boys grace our screens again, this time with a different Sutherland (Angus, to be exact) and a lot more gore. And don’t fret; Edgar Frog is back and better than ever.

Twenty years later, California still has a huge vampire problem, this time in the form of surfer dudes. Ex-surfer Chris (Tad Hilgenbrink of American Pie Presents Band Camp and Epic Movie) and his sister, Nicole (Autumn Reeser from “The O.C.”), move to Luna City after their parents die in a car crash. Chris runs into some old surfing acquaintances and discovers there’s bad blood (har har) years later. Among the group is Shane (Angus Sutherland), who is not only Chris’ idol but manages to catch the eye of Nicole. As if this confusing triangle couldn’t get any worse, it turns out Shane is a vampire who is determined to make Nicole part of the crew. After applying for a job shaping surfboards for The Frog Brothers (Edgar played by Corey Feldman), Chris realizes he needs Edgar’s help more than he thought. Can he save his sister before she feeds for the first time? Watch the bloodbath and find out yourself!

To be entirely honest, I was walking into this thinking it was going to be absolutely terrible, but to my surprise, it’s actually pretty great. Of course, it’s not the original (nothing can beat that) but it’s impressive for a sequel, especially one that takes place 20 years later. I immediately thought of Halloween H2O when I first heard about this, but unlike that film, Lost Boys: The Tribe is fantastic.

The cast gives great performances and isn’t over-the-top with the campiness (aside from Edgar Frog, but that’s his character’s nature) and it’s shot beautifully. There were even times when I cooed because the lighting was so fantastic. Essentially, it took the best things from all the crappy remakes over the last few years and somehow combined them and created a good movie. It’s also pretty gory, which made me happy, but it’s not done for show. It’s gory as much as it needs to be with a little extra thrown in.

I was really excited to see Tad Hilgenbrink in another lead role that wasn’t Stifler’s doofus brother, and it really showcased that this kid is more than a goofball and a pretty face. Corey Feldman definitely still has it after all these years and I was so excited to find out he was a main character in the sequel. Unfortunately, the other Frog brother (Alan, played by Jamison Newlander) had such a small part I don’t even recall seeing it. And for you Corey Haim fans: don’t get too excited. He’s only in the film for about 10 seconds during the credits. As for Angus Sutherland, well he’s definitely going to keep the great acting reputation of his family up for quite a long time. At least I hope so. Also, watch for the nice Tom Savini cameo in the beginning.

I didn’t really understand why the vampires had to be surfers in this movie. In fact, I thought that was super cheesy, but as the movie goes on that’s explained a little more so I didn’t hate it nearly as much. The sequel really plays up the sexuality of the vampire that’s so frequently used in vampire movies, but it’s not a bunch of titty shots, so it’s good. Sorry, guys.

Old fans will really like the fact that so much of the original movie was brought back to the new one. For instance, they use both Max’s house and the Emerson’s house as the main places in the film, in addition to the cave-like vampire dwelling. There’s a nice homage to the antler scene in the first movie near the beginning of the sequel that nearly made me squeal. They also talk about comic books like the original, use mirrors to prove you’re a vampire and have to be invited in just like the 1987 film. My favorite part, however, was the renovated version of the “party all night, sleep all day” quote from the original.

There’s a huge Raimi-esque sequence where the camera goes through the dwelling in the vampire’s point of view, much like the woods from The Evil Dead. I almost peed myself with excitement when I saw this because I knew this guy (Director P.J. Pecse) was trying to make a legitimate horror movie for his fans and totally pulled it off.

The only thing I didn’t like about this movie was the ending. It just moved way too fast. Had they slowed down a bit, maybe made it a little more suspenseful, I would’ve put this right up there with the original, but since it was sort of predictable and anticlimactic, I have to take it a notch down.

Either way, if you like the first one, you’ll like this one. If you’re a horror nerd like me, you’ll definitely appreciate it.

REVIEW: HELLBOY 2: THE GOLDEN ARMY

Title: Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

Starring Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Doug Jones, Luke Goss and Anna Walton

Produced by Dark Horse Entertainment, Relativity Media and Universal Pictures

Written by Mike Mignola (graphic novel) and Guillermo del Toro

Directed by Guillermo del Toro

I am officially a Hellboy fangirl. I just got back from seeing this movie and I must say it’s a million times better than the first one. I really liked the original, but this just was a major step up. I’m running out and buying the comics tomorrow, in fact.

Hellboy (Ron Perlman) and girlfriend Liz (Selma Blair) along with Abe Sapien (Doug Jones) must stop Prince Nuada (Luke Goss) from destroying humans after obtaining the pieces of the crowd which resurrects the golden army. Nuada’s twin sister, Princess Nuala (Anna Walton), goes behind her brothers back and teams up with the BPRD to stop him, only to result in much mayhem.

This movie was so sappy. There were all these love triangles and love complications and other issues (which I’m not telling you about) a couple goes through. Hellboy cries, Abe Sapien cries, I FRIGGIN CRIED! Ok, not really, but I wanted to. To balance out the sap, the movie really stepped up its game as far as humor goes. There are tons of great one-liners that aren’t nearly as cheesy at the ones in the first film (which I loved).

The monsters in the sequel are far better than those in the first. It seems theres a plethora of supernatural creatures everywhere. Some are small, some tower over Hellboy himself. There’s one creature in particular, The Angel of Death, that is so incredibly creepy and stunning at the same time it’s hard to take your eyes off him.

Doug Jones played a much larger part in this film, having three separate roles. I absolutely prefer the character with his voice over David Hyde Pierce’s. Also, for all you “Family Guy” superfreaks, Seth MacFarlane voices the character of Johann Krauss, so I’m sure all you goons will enjoy that. As usual Ron Perlman and Selma Blair give great performances. I officially worship Ron Perlman.

If you liked the first one, you’ll love the new one even more. I know I do.

REVIEW: CLOVERFIELD

Review: Cloverfield (2008)

Starring a bunch of nobodies.

Produced by J.J. “LOST” Abrams

“Written” by Drew Goddard

Directed by Matt Reeves

Ugh. Just thinking about how shitty this movie is exhausts me. This is THE BIGGEST PIECE OF CRAP I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. There. I said it. Now go ahead and tell me off. Tell me how you thought this was so innovative and “outside the box.” Yeah? Fuck you. You’re seriously retarded if you like this movie.

There’s this monster destroying New York City and this douchebag Rob (Michael Stahl-David) is running through the city like a moron to make sure this broad he’s in love with, Lily (Jessica Lucas), is ok. Who cares.

My friends and I could’ve made a better movie than this piece of shit. The acting was ridiculously awful. With all that money J.J. Abrams has, he could’ve spent a little more to get a decent cast. I love how they actually say there was a writer for this movie, because it’s CLEARLY ad-libbed the entire time. If I wanted to watch an hour+ of someone screaming “OH MY GOD!” I would’ve just went to a family function. At least those are free.

Michael Bonvillain should be sent to hell for being the DP of this movie. He definitely is my villain (yeah, I did a cheesy pun) because he was sent on this Earth merely to piss me the fuck off. There’s this thing called a hand…and you put it inside the strap of the camera to HOLD IT STILL. And yes, this is where you go “EHHHHH SUSPENSE!” I’m sorry, you can make a suspensful movie without inducing motion-sickness on it’s viewers. I practically had to take a fucking Dramamine just to make it all the way through.

The ONLY good thing about this movie was seeing a girl blow up.

And the end credits. My favorite part.

REVIEW: HELLBOY

Title: Hellboy (2004)

Starring Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, Doug Jones, John Hurt and Rupert Evans

Produced by Revolution Studios, Dark Horse Entertainment and Starlite Films

Written by Mike Mignola (graphic novel), Guillermo del Toro and Peter Briggs

Directed by Guillermo del Toro

I want to start off by saying I am not a Guillermo del Toro fangirl. I haven’t seen Pan’s Labyrinth nor do I care to. However, when it comes to anything related to Hell, I’m there. I wouldn’t say I’m a Satanist, but I just like dark, evil things. Sorry if that disturbs you. I don’t REALLY mean it, I just like my movies as black as my coffee. That being said, Hellboy is by far my favorite comic book character as well as my favorite on-screen adaptation. I am SUPER PUMPED to go see it today.

Hellboy (Ron Perlman), the demon spawn of the prince of the underworld and a witch, was found by Americans at a Nazi occultist ceremony. He eats a batch of pancakes and no longer has evil tendencies and becomes a good guy working for the people who raised him, The Bureau of Paranormal Research and Defense. When Rasputin comes back from the beyond, Hellboy must team up with Liz (Selma Blair), Ape Sapien (Doug Jones) and Professor Broome (John Hurt) among others in order to stop him before he takes over the planet.

I’ve been doing an insane amount of research on Hellboy for my job, working for Spill.com, and I’ve absolutely fallen in love with his character. He’s sarcastic, charming and even loves cats! Mike Mignola, the creator of Hellboy, said he pictured Ron Perlman playing him off the bat and no one else. I must say, Ron Perlman IS Hellboy. Period. He does such a fantastic job, from the feature films to the animated films and video games, he is just charming the pants off America left and right.

Of course, being in true Guillermo del Toro style, the creatures in this film are simply phenomenal. They’re terrifying. Even hellboy himself has such a shocking look to him that he has a permanent love/hate relationship with those surrounding him, aside from his friends, of course. The movie is sharp and moves great, but I must say the end was a little sappy for my liking. I still loved the shit out of this movie though.

And guess what? I love it so much, I’m going to see Hellboy 2: The Golden Army today…on opening day.